Unexpected Blessings

Five years have passed since I received that dreaded call on Father's Day weekend.  I had left Ray's bedside for just a few days to visit my dad for Father's Day.  As I left Ray, who seemed to be in good spirits and encouraged me to go, I told him that he better be even better when I returned on Sunday evening.  Instead, I received a call saying that if I wanted to say my goodbyes, I had better hurry back.

The next few hours were a horrible nightmare as doctors tried to convince me to let my husband go.  I think that I reached an all time low in my faith since I had been saved.  I cursed the doctors, I cursed the nurses, I even cursed God for daring to take my best friend, lover, father to my children and husband away from me!

As I posted before, Ray made a miraculous recovery that weekend.  By the next morning, my boys and I were singing his favorite song 
to him. 
   

About halfway through, my husband, who had shown no sign of being aware of us, started humming along and by the end, mumbling the words.  In those minutes, the Lord not only reminded me that we are not alone, but he also reminded me of his amazing grace toward my horrible break in faith.

As I look back on my life, I am made wonderfully aware of the blessings the Lord has poured down on me, even when I had turned my back on him and thought that he had turned his back on me.

People often give me strange looks when I say that the Lord blessed me with the experience of going through my husband's 4 1/2 year battle with Pure Red Cell Aplasia, 2 bone marrow transplants and ultimate passing.  Don't get me wrong, this is absolutely not the path that I would have chosen for my husband, my children, my family and myself.  My husband was a wonderful father, friend, brother, son and lover.  I think very few people could deny that their world was brightened by knowing my husband.  He was kind, witty, smart and compassionate, not to mention, a protector.  So, on the surface, it would seem that what we went through was anything but a blessing.  However, in many ways, it was.

Let me explain.  During the 1 1/2 years of courtship and engagement and then nearly 6 years of marriage, my husband and I faced more challenges and attacks from Satan than most people face in a lifetime.  I won't go into detail, but I will say that these challenges brought us to our knees over and over again and forced us to rely on God and each other.

While Ray and I were "good" people, we were full of pride and self-reliance, rather than putting all of our faith in the Lord.  We were both making good money, allowing us to have a lot of material things, vacations whenever we wanted, multiple homes and "toys."  We were basically big irresponsible children who thought we had it all figured out.  We took all of our "blessings" and each other for granted!

With each challenge that we faced, we became a little less sure of ourselves.  We learned the hard way that just because were both "control-freaks" didn't mean that we had control.  We learned to lean on the Lord and to treasure the gift of each other.  The 8 1/2 months that we spent in the bone marrow unit were some of the most challenging days of our lives, but also some of the most precious!  How many couples get 9 months of just about 24 hours a day to spend with each other.  Under normal circumstances I do not recommend this, but for us, it was amazing.  I may have only had 7 1/2 years to know my husband, but I probably spent more one on one time with him in that time than some couples have in a lifetime together.

Besides the time that we got to be together, I had another blessing from this experience.  Prior to my husband's illness, I had always been known as a high maintenance, spoiled "princess."  I was definitely not much of a nurturer, more likely to tell someone to "suck it up" rather than to have compassion and assist them when they were sick or suffering.  When I look back, I really don't like that person that I was!!!  Having been an athlete my whole life, I saw people who were struggling as weak whiners who needed to toughen up and not bother me.

While I was taking care of my husband, changing bed pans, keeping doctors on track and keeping nurses from administering the wrong drugs, while navigating the dynamics of my husband's family and my very young children's needs, I suddenly didn't seem so important.  I learned that I could put someone else first and that with the Lord's help, I was full of compassion and nurturing.

During the transplant, I was laid off due to my company pulling their business out of my state in the middle of this time.  I found myself out of money, facing a $1700/ month cobra payment on top of two mortgages and medical bills.  The day I found this out, my husband was on major doses of morphine and prednisone, causing him to have drug induced psychosis.  He was out of his mind, throwing things and cursing everyone out.  He didn't even know who I was.  I remember crawling in his bed once he was sedated, crying and trying to tell him what was going on.  He was totally unaware that I was even there.  I finally started praying in my desperation.

The next morning, they were able to lower my husband's medications and I described what had happened and about my job loss.  He then told me to go over to the cabinet in his room and get his passport holder.  For a minute I thought that he was still in a state of psychosis and told him that we had no need for our passports right now.  He laughed and said to trust him.  So, I brought his passport holder over to him.  He reached in and pulled out over $30,000 as my jaw dropped to the floor.  He had put the money aside for a "rainy day" and figured this was it.  After I lectured him for hiding that kind of money in the bone marrow unit, I was filled with peace that we would get through this.

The next months were a roller coaster that you can see in my earlier posts, but in the end, I would do it all over again and thank the Lord for the work he did in our hearts during those days.  I still miss my best friend, but I am truly thankful that the Lord answered our prayers by ending his pain.  Of course I would have selfishly preferred he heal him and let him remain here with us, but he did answer our prayers. 



"Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise